Confessions of a Phat Mormon Girl

Baby i'm back! And what we do for the golden arches!

2010-05-10T21:50:00.000-07:00

Okay first off I will say i'm very sorry for my absent writing for so long. I'm sure you've all missed me and I have missed all of you too, especially YOU *points*! :)

I'm going to write about a very serious issue now and I hope you will all follow and read along with as much intellect as I put into this particular set of musing.

NEWAYS

Everyone says that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well okay maybe not everyone but a lot of the important people in society say so, namely those who have stock in the breakfast trade, personal trainers, weight watcher people... ya know the story...

Well I have to admit breakfast might be the most important meal of the day for me but I certainly am not very good at making it so. Most of the time im lucky enough to remember to take my medication and put on deodorant let alone make something to nourish my tummy.

However there is one except to the rule where breakfast becomes absolutely crucial to me and to every one else it seems who has the golden arches on the brain. I'm talking about morning rush at McDonald's.

I like to think of myself as an expert of the McDonald's breakfast menu. I know whats good, I know whats gross, and I know whats worth your buck. After all no one wants to pay too much for a glass of Orange Juice do you? (Btw, Last I checked Burger King gives you a carton of Orange Juice so even though the food is basically just as good and the hash brown is the same only divided up into bight size portions, I never go there.)

ANYWAYS,

McDonald's, in the morning. Yes. Any other time, No!

If you go between six-eight in the morning you can pretty much guess you'll be in and out just fine, which is to say if you're going to a typical one. IF you're going to MY McDonald's then you know you've got before seven and thats it before the entire parking lot and the block surrounding it becomes bumper to bumper traffic jam. And the craziest thing i've noticed about this is how when one gets into said traffic jam they are the ONLY person that matters. Everyone else can just go... away because the mentality is "Me and my Mcmuffin!"

If you dont believe me just try to cut someone off in the drive through. You think you've seen an angry house mother before you just keep her from her morning hashbrown and you'll wish you'd had toast at home that way.

BTW, is it hashbrown or hashbrowns? After all it is one wedge of greasy fried potato. Wouldnt the word be singular?

AAAAAAnyways.

The other day I was pulling into the early morning traffic jam of Mcidee's (spcheck?) when my mother called. So instead of just pulling forward I pulled into a parking spot only to realize what a huge mistake that was since instantly I got blocked in. For a second I was in panic mode. So much so infact that I cut the conversation short and started to do the whole "I'm going to back up now" dance. This dance for those who dont know is when you put your car in reverse, turn your head all the way around on your neck, and proceed to just look like you're going to do it no matter whose coming, but then pound on your breaks at the last second.

Well, behind me this really nice guy saw my dance and he stopped, giving me more than enough room to get out. I was then going to go all the way around the building to get into the back of the line when a thought came to me. I had enough room there to just go ahead and get into the line! I mean I could cut! I'd practically be at the window! Now, I am not the type of person who cuts lines. My mother didnt raise me to be so crude, however the morning rush of "Me and my McMuffin" got into my brain and I almost did it.

It was my humanity and devotion to god that stopped me, thats all I can say. Because no sooner did I think about it did I decide not to. (Also i'm pretty much a coward when it comes to confrontation.)

So, I drove all the way around the building and got in the back of the line. Not five minutes later I saw another woman in the same spot and the same predicament and I had been earlier and I thought i'd show the same courtesy to her as the young man had bestowed upon me. I stopped and even with a wave of my hand indicated for her to go.

The woman waved at me, turned her wheel... and CUT THE LINE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!!

I'll tell you. There is nothing people wont do for their breakfast at McDonald's it seems. And I think that says something about people in general. Dont you?

The McMuffin-less End.

Wow... okay.

2009-10-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

So I guess I struck a nerve with some people from my date post. For the record, the name in the story is changed and all events in it are really what happened. Sorry but its reality. If you've got a problem with that then feel free to post whatever crap you want in the comments. I dont really care. If this blog gets read or not, isnt the point for me. Just think about that fact that what you say could make you look really really stupid when you dont mean to ;)

(Just giving ya a little warning to those who know who they are.)

NEWAYS,

On a happier note. I have a new man in my life. Actually i've had him in my live for about two months now. If you know me you probably already know this, but we are very happy together and are looking forward to Dec. 11

All are invited :)

Lol j/k! No we're not getting married.... not yet anyway ;)

ANYWAYS

The "Happy" ending.

Notice the word Diet has the word "Die" in it!

2009-08-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

That title actually has nothing to do with this blog. Its just something I wanted to point out.

Anyway.

So while my life has been crashing done on me in one mess after another, and no one seems to know what to do with me anymore, including myself, I had a very interesting Epiphany the other day.

I was at the movies with a dear little boy that I love watching the movie "Monsters Vs. Aliens." during which I got a text from a coworked of mine saying that i'd forgotten to fill out part of my time sheet and would end up only getting paid for four days instead of five. I wanted to explode in rage and frusteration. But I couldnt because I had a minor with me and I was in a public place watching a movie with people who would be unhappy if I used some of the choice words I had in mind.

So I didnt. And went on to watch the kids movie. I usually dont care much for kids movies. The last one I really liked was Kung Fu Panda and thats because well... it was a panda doing Kung fu! Pretty awsome!

NEWAY

This particular movie was cute, not my favorite, but there was a part that did make me laugh. I dont know why. Maybe it was because of all my pent up stress, but I still smile when I think about it.

If you havnt seen this movie, there's this blue blob guy named Bob. And he doesnt have a brain and he's not smart or anything. But I grew to identify. Maybe it was the blob part. Maybe it was the lack of brain. In any case. I really liked Bob.

Theres this point towards the end of the movie, where the Monsters are in a really bad spot and their in this alien ship and everythings exploding around them and it looks like they're gonna die, and the other two "smarter" monsters are telling each other how they've enjoyed working with eachother and what not, thinking they're gonna die. And Bob looks at them all wide eyed and innocent and says, "And i'll see you two tomorrow... for lunch."

And I laughed so hard I think I scared the little kid sitting next to me.

I dont know why, but it really made me think. I wish I was like that blue guy. Ya know? I wish even everythings crashing down around me, i'm oblivious to it and I just casually look towards the future. I dont know if its the best idea in the world, but I want to try and be more like that. I need to stop worrying so much, and just do what I do. Things will work out, or if they dont, at least i'll see you guys tomorrow... for lunch.

The BOB End.

My Date whoot whoot

2009-08-07T07:44:00.000-07:00

So i've been putting this blog off for two reasons. One because i've been busy and the other because i'm lazy. How that works, I dont know. But it's the truth.

Anyway.

This is a story about a little girl named Melissa, and a big heroic returned missionary named.... we'll call him Bob (that is not his real name.)

Once upon a time, lucky Melissa got set up on a date with *gasp* a returned missionary. "How lucky am I?!" She said to herself, "To be able to meet such a fine and rare man in Utah. I must be on my best behavior so that I will impress him and be his goddess for time and all eternity!"

But alas. It was not meant to be. For even on the first phone call his voice and sound clearly made it...er... clear that they were not well suited. She was a bold, confident, intelligent young woman with passion for art. He was interested in wingers. (yes. The restaurant.)

When Bob came to the door, he proved to be a strapping young man of about five feet with light blond hair, glazed blue eyes, and a pressured grin that came from the image of Melissa standing there in her buxom five foot four inches, two hundred seventy pounds.

Still, Melissa would make the best of the situation and be perfectly casual and nice. She smiled politely, waiting at every door for about five minutes so he could open it for her, and asked all the appropriate and polite questions. Aka, "Where did you serve your mission?" (That actually was the only question she needed to ask in the end because that was all Bob wanted to talk about even though he had been home for approx. seven months.)

When Melissa found out that Bob had no job, no money, and lived with his parents, and still wanted to get married right away and have ten kids, she was undaunted and remained poised and pleasant. She smiled and agreed that she too wanted to have kids someday and it seemed they had something in common. (She left out the fact that she tended ten kids at a time on a regular biases and that ten kids really wasnt practical or even as fun as someone would guess.)

They arrived at the movies, Ice age, about twenty minutes early and sat in the lobby, discussing cookies. "I like cookies, as you can tell..." Melissa said, to which the returned missionary gave an enthusiastic nod. A signal that she took to mean, he'd noticed her curvaceous figure. The subject dwindled down to all the usual topics of a first date that get discussed when there is nothing left to talk about. Family. Career. And Food.

Finally it was time for the movie. A delightful G rated film about fuzzy creatures and their problems in life. Bobs choice.

Afterwards, they went on to dinner. Melissa, having noticed him saying he didnt have much money, and also having noticed that when paying for the movie tickets earlier he'd opened his wallet and stared at it long enough for a moth to fly out of it, ordered the least expensive thing on the menu. As did he.

As Melissa picked up her fork to eat the returned missionary asked, "Shall we say a prayer?" Melissa used everything inside her to keep from rolling her eyes as she sat down her fork and knife and nodded, "okay."

Into dinner, the topic of conversation went on to further details of Missions in Brazil, while Melissa inwardly wondered why in the world a restaurant would serve their sticky wings with a side of celery. Honestly. How many people in the world like celery?!

Then. The questions happened.

It was like a lightning bolt out of no where! A great horrific strike that jolted Melissa to her core and made her stare as a deer in headlights.

"Soo... how did you gain your testimony?" Bob paused, leaning forward on the table between them. The light directly overhead.

"I er...." Melissa went on to weakly try to explain her testimony, having been caught off guard by the intimate and somewhat random question. The whole mood of the night was put off even more, and she felt somewhat hurt and betrayed that all her attempts to be civil ended up like this.

Later, as they drove home, Bob confessed that he'd never read weathering heights, hated romance, and *gasp* didnt see why in school Shakespeare had to be studied, Melissa sat in mostly silence, still wondering what she had done to deserve this cruel and unimaginable torture.

Bob missed the exit to her house, and on the road back, dropped another atomic bomb.

"So tell me a scripture that has influenced your life."

A long moment of silence ensued while Melissa felt out how exactly she should respond to that. Why was he doing this to her? What did he want her to say? Sure there were many other girls around who would have been able to throw down a reply that included something about Christ and being forgiven. But they were mostly girls just out of seminary, looking for their prince missionaries to sweep them off their feet.

Melissa wasnt that! She was a working woman, just trying to pay her rent and maybe have some fun once in awhile!

Finally. She turned slowly to look at the boy. Now seeing him as he really was and feeling completely disgusted.

"You know," She said slowly, "None come to mind."

When Bob dropped her off at her apartment that night. They were half way up the drive way when he said, "Well. Here's your goodbye hug."

"Ok see y..." Melissa said, returning the fast embrace, unable to finish the sentance before he was gone. Gone like a thief in the night.

Left there, alone, bewildered, and a little annoyed. Melissa stood inside the door of her apartment thinking the night over and realizing she would have almost rather been raped than ever go through that long and agonizing procedure.

Later, when her mother called and asked her how is had gone. Melissa couldnt come up with how to describe said date. So she said the first thing that came to mind. Her reply was simple and honest.

"He was toooo.... Mormon."

The End.

(Everything in that Story was completely True. ((Except for Melissa saying "How lucky am I" and blah blah blah. That was all me being sarcastic.))

My point of my story, Mormon Bachelor Pad, is that I do hang out around mormon guys looking to get married and have familys. This isnt the first time i've met guys like this. However, i'm not saying your like this because you're a self declared bachelor living in a pad. And a blog about a self declared bachelor living in a pad, is a whole other blog unto itself.

But I digress. My point is, Mormon guys are SCARY! Especially ones who are trying to be like Jesus, but end up just being like jack Ass's. I've met guys who are really Christ like. And they would never ask a girl what their favorite scripture is on a first date, or how they gained their testimony. And they wouldnt insult Shakespeare when they knew they were on a date with a theater major.

In any case, I hope you were being sarcastic in your comment because otherwise, about half of the single mormon female population in utah over the age of twenty are rolling their eyes at you and saying, "Thank you for stating the obvious."

Believe it or not, women dont want to just become your baby making machine. They have hopes and dreams of their own.

The TRUTHFUL End.

Ok! You've asked for it!

2009-07-02T20:34:00.000-07:00

Alright maybe not. But a few people wondered if I was ever going to post another blog and I keep telling them the reason I havnt blogged for a bit is because I want this to be a happy blog and not one where I just whine about life, and pretty much all i've had lately is stuff to whine about. This the lack of posted.

Things are looking up though....

I'VE BEEN LOOKING THE LANDSCAPE OVERRRRR!
AND ITS COVERED IN FOUR LEEEEEEAF CLOVER!!!!

Sorry. i've had that song on my mind a lot lately. Actually i've had a lot of songs on my mind. Singings pretty much been the theme of my life lately even though I had to quite my singing lessons because I simply couldnt afford it. :'(

But! You're truly is a trooper and will prevail!.... (Prevale?)

Anyways.

My little sisters getting married. And a lot of people want to know how I feel about it. Well let me ask you this. If you were a fat mormon girl who hasnt had a date in over a year and a half, you work with little kids all day that you'd give you life for even though they give you pains as painful as a grape shoved up your nose and into your brain, and then go home only to find that said jobs made you forget you have a person life and things that need to be cleaned never get cleaned, and then out of NO WHERE your younger sister gets married to someone older than you are...

I started rambling... OH MY GOSH! I STARTED WHINEING!

XXXXXMaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagic XXXXXXXXXXXXXMAAAAAAGICXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ok.

Those Magic X's should make it...um... better. No whineing. I refuse to be a whiner on here. I do enough of that in real life.

Where was I?

Anyways.

My little sisters getting married.

The WHINELESS End.

sigh Why do I do this?!

2009-04-20T20:17:00.000-07:00

Here we go again. I actually said that phrase in the grocery store today. I was approaching the egg section and loudly said the words, "Here we go again."

I didnt realize there was this person nearby who gave me a look. He gave me this look because he wondered who the heck I could possibly be talking to, and in truth it was to no one but myself. Now, one might ask themselves why I said this to myself while approaching the egg section in the grocery store. I'll tell you. It was because I am once again trying to eat right. And every time I try to get a healthy diet it always includes buying eggs.

Eggs and I have a very strange relationship. I like them. But I only like them when they've been cooked appropriately, and by appropriately I mean there is nothing left in the part you are supposed to eat that is not rubbery, hard, stringing, discolored, chewy, or any number of unpleasant additives that could go here.

But even so, every time I resolve to eat right I buy eggs and the reason for this is because growing up, whenever my mother was "eating right" on her weight watchers diet she always had eggs in the morning. Supposivly they're good for you and they're filling.

However, here's my problem with this. I decide to eat right in the moment. And eggs dont stay fresh forever. Sure sometimes they can last awhile I guess, but with me i'm ALWAYS paranoid that im gonna crack open an egg into a frieing pan and have it be the egg that had been waiting so long that now its... I dont even know. I dont even know what could be horrible.

I just know that im always a little paranoid when I crack open an egg. Like, a few times its had blood in there which is gross. And people say, oh thats just because it was fertile, or something. But I wanna be like WHAT THE HECK! Are you saying some day I might crack open an egg and theres gonna be a partcially developed chicken embrio in there?!? GROSS!!!!

Thats like something from my nightmares. Seriously.

ANYWAYS!

So now its official! I'm trying to eat right. When I got home one of the first things I did was throw away all my old eggs. Which is hard for me. If you know me you know I hate to throw away things that could have been eaten, but the risk was just too great. So I replaced said eggs with some new ones who, I am pleased to say, made them all home save and sound. I hate it when I get home and theirs a broken one.

Gah! What if that happened and when I opened the carton theres a squishy little chick carcass inside! Gross.

The GROSSED OUT End.

In my attempts to get a new life...

2009-03-18T13:02:00.001-07:00

So randomly and surprisingly I got the rest of today and tomorrow off from work. I dont know if this is because they dont need me or dont want me or they need my hours. But in any case, im going to work on myself and also (hopefully ((fingers crossed))) work on my writings.

Im also looking into going to a day spa, but I think i'll probably end up talking myself out of it. After all, looking at my account should be enough to talk me out of it... right?

In my attempts to get a new life...

2009-03-18T13:02:00.000-07:00

Frusteration is mine. DONT JUDGE ME!

2009-03-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

Alright. This is going to sound so lame and probably really lower your opinion of me, but my friends talked me into it. I ended up going with them to see the movie Last House on the Left.

There are many excuses I have, but in realty they are all lame. I caved into peer pressure and actually all I ended up loosing was the eight fifty it cost to get in since I put in my ear phones and watched mamma mia on my ipod the whole time.

So with that said, i'll move on to what frustrates me.

The maleness in my life, mainly the guys I am interested in. I'm reading this book thats supposed to help me figure out how to find someone that will love me, but so far its only in the set up part. I've yet to actually get someone to ask me out.

Speaking of asking me out, theres a new development with Goatee and no Goatee. Turns out he IS the same guy! I learned this because I got a list of name and faces in the ward, and I knew Goatees name, but he had the exact same name that went with the face of no Goatee. So either they have the same first name, or they're the same guy.

In which case, I have no idea what to do because I have STILL yet to even say Hi to either of them... well... him... and yeah. He's very cute and im very shy...

NEWAYS

I've also joined an online dating site for lds singles and pretty much its turning out to be a big waste of money. I've only had 3 guys interested in me. One who greeted me with the phrase, "Hey baby! I like big girls, just how big are you sweetheart?" another that started with, "Me so horney..." and finally the last one who seemed like he'd be normal until he suddenly blurted, "you're hot!" and when I didnt know how to respond to that, he accused me of having a problem with him because he's in a wheelchair.

*sigh* I really just dont understand it. I dont understand whats wrong with me, or whats wrong with the world. I'm trying to figure out how to present my best self, but its just so hard.

The Frusterating End

People are messed up!!!!!

2009-03-10T23:47:00.000-07:00

So its 12: 47 am exactly, and I should be asleep. But I cant sleep. And the reason for this is because people are SICK! There are some sick SICKOS out there!

And they scare me... they scare me to death.

Ok i'll explain.

There's a new movie coming out. One i've never had any intention of seeing. The movie: "Last house on the left."

However, with a lot of scary movies like that im sort of curious of the plot, so I did what I usually do when I want to know what a movies about. I went to Wiki.

Yeah yeah! I know! Wikis unpredictable and stupid but it can be useful.

Anyways, I found the plot for the old version of the movie, and i'll tell you the people back in the 70s were just as sick if not sicker than the movie makers of today.

I only had to read two sentences TWO SENTENCES of that plot before I felt physically ill! I couldnt BELIEVE what they put in movies for entertainment! It was like, the worst thing i've ever EVER EVER EEEEEVER considered happening in a movie (other than if it had happened to a child.)

Like, and im not naive. I know what really disturbing stuff happens and quite often in movies, but this was just unbelievably sick!

I think i've mad emy point.

ANNNNNYWAYS

Now i'm afraid to go to bed. Luckily i'm not so sick anymore, but the disturbingness of what I read is still bugging me and probably will do so on til tomorrow.

Whats my point you ask? There isnt one. Im just blogging. So deal! DEAL!

The EEEEEVVVVVVVVEEEERRRRRRR END

Duh Da BOyZ!

2009-03-03T21:44:00.000-08:00

Ok. It was going to happen eventually so i'm gonna do it now. My experience with the male gender is actually very little. I blame it on the fact that I have no brothers (not really, a half brother whose much older doesnt count) and my father isnt your typical guy.

I remember in elementary school being titled "The Kissy Woman." And it was my job to chase away the boys that bothered the other girls by threatening to kiss them. I figure this title, or others that are similar to it has been bestowed upon many other young females. Except, I imagine that that title has been revoked since then for those girls.

For some reason, for me, this is not the case.

I scare every guy away. And I dont know why. I've checked to see if unpleasant Oder wafts from me (trust me, it doesnt I shower and everything) or is maybe my teeth are grotesque, and yet no matter what I do guys are afraid of me.

Recently i've noticed a guy in my ward. Actually, I think he might be two guys because it seems almost every other wear he either sports a goatee or not, and I dont know if a guy can grow a full goatee after shaving it off within a week...

NEWAYS,

So far I have not managed to say hello to him, or make verbal contact without it being through another person. How is this possible you ask? Well, let me give an example. This guy, i'll call him Mr. Goatee or No Goatee, talks to the girls around me (ones, I might add, are not as pleasant to look upon as myself) and even holds normal conversations. And i'll join into said conversation by talking to this third party, but we have yet to actually SPEAK to eachother.

This strange exchange had happened exactly twice.

Also, one sunday (while I was up leading the music) I looked down to see he was sitting by himself in the congregation. I felt confident and even pretty that day, so I decided i'd go sit by him during sunday school later.

Getting up the courage, I searched for him but the boy had LEFT church! Either that or he was hiding somewhere. In any case I couldnt find him.

THEN the next sunday, after getting up the courage and not feeling quite as confident, I went and sat by him and he immediately got up and walked away...

SO THATS IT!

THAT IS IS!

I'm done.

Through.

Finished!

So I think...

He comes back and sits back down with his friend.

Unfortunately by that point my nerves are shot and my opening line I had all prepared based upon a previous third party conversation was defeated.

For anyone who would like to know my sweet starting line it was: "So... are you a car guru?"

*sigh* You'd think i'd end my sad tale there. But oh no. Theres more.

LAST sunday, I saw him again. This time he was Mr. No Goatee. The opportunity to say "Hi!" was perfect. I walked towards him, he walked towards me, I looks good, he didnt look quite so good having no goatee... AND THEN...

I see the image of my grandmothers face.

Grandma: "Dont scare him!"

At the last second I see my friend in the church library and wave to her, throwing my greeting in her direction as he walks on by me....

I think im cursed. I really do. I think I have the worst luck in the world when it comes to love. Other people seem to have no problem at all.

Do you remember playing with magnets in school? And there was the whole pole thing? How it works escapes my mind. But wherever they were stored there was always that one broken magnet that didnt work anymore. It just didnt magnetize to anything, and it was broken and cut kids and gave them magnetic slivers?

No...?

Well maybe that was just my school then.

Anyways, I feel like that magnet. I'm just broken I guess.

BTW, to anyone who IS in a relationship and reading this. It is GROSS to sit and nuzzle your partner in the middle of church! I sat behind this young couple this last Sunday who were "So in love" and she kept sticking her nose into his ear. HIS EAR! And then she'd nuzzle him all affectionately and whisper! I wanted to be like "GET A LIVING ROOM!"

Keep that stuff at home guys. No one wants to see that. Especially in a singles ward.

NEWAYS....

Another fact to prove that im cursed when it comes to men:

Today my friend HH and I went out to get some lunch and the guy at the pick up window was TOTALLY hot! Like, you expect when you pull up it's either gonna be come strange old lady or a pimply young guy with too much red hair, but this dude was SOOO cute! And every time he left the window i'd turn to HH and make that "OMG! HE'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE!" face (yes you were supposed to use the Teen Gurl Squad voice in your mind there).

But unfortunately I had decided to expose HH to the soft and yet awesome awesomeness of Dr. Horribles sing-along blog and just as the music started to blast the words, "YOU'RE GONNA DIE!" Mr. Cutie pants comes back to the window.

I dont know what face I made that made him make THAT face, but when we looked at each other, I was no longer just a customer to him, but a total freak. He handed me the drinks without saying anything, and even forgot to give us straws.

Then, when the window opened again, who did I see holding our food. Not Mr. Cutie Pants. Oh no, he was LONG gone. It was that crazy old lady you normally expect to see.

They run from me. Run for the hills. And i'm too lazy to run after them.

Besides you're not supposed to run after them. Thats what my mother says. She says you're supposed to run from them until you catch them. How that works i'll never know.

The Confused End

Babies, Flies, and Stilettos!

2009-03-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

Ok. I know a lot of people wont agree with everything I have to say in this blog so I’m warning you now, if you overly love baby showers or bridal showers than perhaps you wont want to read this one. (Or if you really like annoying sales lady people)

I attended one of the cultural traditions of the times yesterday. A baby shower. Those can be fun, and then again they can not be fun. This particular one I went to was one where I only went because my dad asked me to. Otherwise I had plans, well, Saturday plans which means I didn’t have plans but I wanted to be able to do whatever I felt like doing.

Which I could do being a single female.

Anyways.

I walked in just was the prayer was ending. I wonder if outside of Utah if even Mormon baby showers begin with a prayer. And then it was time for munch and mingle.

Let me just tell you whenever I attend a family function like this I feel like I’m being treated as the poor handicap relitive because EVERYONE makes a point of coming over and being like:

“HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII MELISSAAAAAAAA HOW ARE YOU?!”

“I’m good.”

“You still in that same apartment?”

“Yes.”

“You still working at the day care?”

“Yes.”

“You seeing anyone?”

“No.”

And then we just look at each other for a second before they move onto someone else.

One of these days I want to say this:

“HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII MELISSAAAAAA HOW ARE YOU?!”

“I’M GREAT! My doctors got me on this new medication and it makes me see happy dancing penguins! One of them is named Roger! We’ve started a relationship! I think he’s going to propose around June! Then I wont have to blow up my day care after all!”
I’d probably get something of the same reaction actually, since they all think im crazy anyways.

And maybe I am.

After the baby shower I went shopping. Normally when I go shopping I have a hard time, but after hours and hours of watching what not to wear, I feel I was better prepared, and I was going to go somewhere were the sales people help you out. So I walked into the store and told the girl, “I’m looking for something to go out with my work friends in and it needs to be modest. GO!”
And she seemed to get me pretty well. But here’s the thing, I have the WORST luck when it comes to this. I kid you not! Because while I was trying on a pair of boots the zipper broke, and I was worried they’d make me pay for it even though it seriously wasn’t my fault.
And then when I thought we’d found the right one and walked out, my sales lady had disappeared. While I waited around for her I took a look in the three way mirror and another sales rep was looking at me funny so I asked her opinion.

She couldn’t really give me a clear-cut answer, but apparently it wasn’t as good as I thought, so I went back into my dressing room and started to try on another outfit.

Then my sales lady came back and I had to put back on the other outfit, and then SHE couldn’t tell me what was wrong with it, but apparently there was.

But in the end it worked out because the pants I had on, the fly wouldn’t stay up. And when I told the sales lady she didn’t seem to surprised. So WARNING before you take home a pair of pants make sure when you lock down the fly it doesn’t unzip itself.

I’ve had horrible experiences with flies that don’t stay up. Most of them happening in middle school when I started using a twist tie to keep the fly up all day.

Now I look back and wonder WTH?! (What the Heck!?) Did all the zippers in pants back then just not work? Because since then I haven’t had a problem with flies not staying up where they belong. Maybe it was the brand I bought, but I swear every single pair of jeans in my closet had a twisty through the notch on the fly just so I wouldn’t walk around with it open again.

One of these days I’ll write a blog that consists of the embarrassing stories of my life. Thankfully a lot of those horrors ended with my “Awkward years” of life. I also call them the “Lanky years” because a lot of girls going through that time in their life just looked lanky. Like they’ve been stretched or something…

Off track. Neways!

I ended up buying stilettos for the first and probably last time in my life. These things kill! And although I can wear them to church as well as with my new outfit, I can probably walk about ten feet before I feel like my toes are gonna fall off.

I don’t understand these shoes, I really don’t…

The PAINFUL end.
(Going to church! Bye!)

Almost at the 1/4th mark! Reflecting on my life.

2009-02-23T20:22:00.000-08:00

I have a very strange job. Working with kids is strange business, especially with a lot of them. Its sort of like working with a flock of monkeys. You never know what they’ll do, and even though you might manage to train them that’s actually all it ever is. There’s always that possibility that their do, say, eat, poop something that is so shocking that you know no one is ever going to believe you.

There are several children who I work with that I love dearly. Many of them have nick names. There’s a little baby that I love named Pooh Bear that I’m convinced will grow up to be a genius. Not the kind that’s all stuck up and becomes president or something like that. The kind that wont ever be discovered, but he’ll in his own way change the world and only his friends and family will ever know.

He’s a cutie.

And then there’s this other child I like to refer to as: The devil reincarnate.

Don’t judge me! If you think its not possible for a child to be so naughty that you think they might be evil then let me tell you this, a child that has drawn blood BLOOD with their own hands off of other children and yet you have never seen them hit or bight anyone, and then managed to flush something down the toilet every time they come into the same classroom with you, and THEN almost gets two coworkers fired because, during outside time the devil child gets back inside and then starts to scream and cry so that they get found….

I lost my train of thought.

NEways.

This kid is evil. That’s my point.

And there are others whom land on different rungs of the love/hate ladder of my heart.
One of these children is a sweet little boy who rides the bus at my work. Today while I drove him from school he randomly and yet thoughtly posed a statement that I thought rather profound for a child of his age.

“Miss Melissa! My grandpa is 100 years old! He’s older than you!”

At first, I tried to understand why he would say this to me. Afterall, I hadn’t brought up the subject of my age nor his grandfathers age or even any grandfathers age. And yet he felt the need to present me with that statement.

I am not a woman who likes to talk about age much. I cried all day when I turned 20, and then 21, and now 22. I don’t like being old at all. Sure I like the freedoms that some with responsibility and all that, but I kind of miss the days of being a kid. Maybe that’s why I left my journey towards becoming a Broadway director and started driving buses and changing poopy diapers for a living, so that I could be near them. I figure its some feminine version of the peter pan syndrome.

ANY WAYZ….

I kept driving and thinking. 100 years are a lot of years to be alive. I don’t know what I’d do with all that time. And then it hit me again that I hadn’t even lived half that long yet. I never really thought that I’d want a long life anyways. Once I start needing my diaper changed in a nursing home I think I’d like to have someone shoot me in the face.

(Which BTW could very well happen. In 10th grade I told a druggy and yet awesome female friend of mine that I wanted this and she looked at me very seriously and said, “Ok. I’ll do it.” So I expect upon the first diaper change some crazy Hispanic lady with failing kidneys and no teeth will jump out of the bushes and shoot me.) (((No I don’t know why there would be bushes in a nursing home but it could happen OK!?)))

NNNNNNEEEEEE WAAAAAAS!!!!

The point is, in three years, I will have lived exactly 1/4th of my life. I’ll only have 3/4ths left. That is, if I end up living to be 100.

What have I accomplished in this time. Sadly I cant say too much. I wanted to have a book finished. Namely that one about the fat girl and the ghost. I wanted to be a star on the stage. I wanted to have experience true love and gotten married. But none of that has happened for me.
I also wanted to have an award winning movie shown at the Sundance film festival and meet Jack Black there so that my dad could see him, but that’s a detail I’ll save for another blog.

Still, I’m trying not to loose heart about it. I figure I’ll really start to worry about that if I reach the 3/4ths of my life mark and still haven’t accomplished any of those things.

I was going to make a list of things I have accomplished next, but I’m too embarrassed to write them down on here. I’ll do it in my private journal.

My point is. I don’t know if its healthy to look at our lives on a timeline. After all, we all could be dead tomorrow, no one knows. But it is sort of interesting to reflect on the possibilities.

I don’t know why, but just now I realized that the voice in my head narrating these words sound like an old Jewish woman…

OIE!

THE “Give me a word! Any word! And I will tell you how the root of that word…” END!

My life is run by FOOD!

2009-02-22T19:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, for those who dont know, in the Mormon religion you dont purchase anything on sundays. You dont go shopping, you dont go to the movies, some dont even clean or work out. I was always raised that you dont buy food on sundays. Unless you were starving and had nothing else that is.

Well, today I wanted Wendys sooo bad! I felt like a heroin addict! I tried almost everything I had in my cubord but nothing was what I wanted!

My life is run by FOOD!

No I havnt gone to Wendys yet. But I intend to be there at midnight!

Culture Facts and Opinions while waiting for Cops

2009-02-22T10:21:00.000-08:00

Ok so this morning I got woken up by a shrill beeping that I thought my roommates would take care of, but when it kept going I went on the hunt. I thought it was a smoke detector but actually in the end it was the security box. This freaked me out because we never use the security box! And the little light that flashed "trouble" was on.

Now, I dont know about you but I personally like to avoid trouble whenever possible. I figure most logical people do. But I didnt know how to turn the box off or make the flashy thing go away to I just started pushing buttons.

Eventually it turned off, but I dont know if thats because I disabled it or because I summoned the police. In any case Ill know in five more minutes if they come busting down my door...

In the meantime, I want to talk about the culture. Not necessarily mormon culture, but the culture of a single fat mormon girl.

I'll put these into catagories not just because I want to make it easy but also because im watching the movie "First Knight" and dont want to loose my train of thought.

NEways

-Single Mormon-

To be a single Mormon doesnt mean a lot to most of the world, after all there are a LOT of single people. However, to be a single mormon between the ages of 19-married, you are constantly in a category that you want to be out of. I am 22 myself, and so i'm not too far into the desperate zone, but according to older singles i've spoken to the older you get the more urgent you feel the need to get married.

This probably has to do with the fact that a mormon who is active and desires to live faithful to the covenants they've made with god do not have sex before they are married. This culture fact is one I do agree with for myself, and therefore I guess I will probably become more desperate the older I get while my singularity stays in tact.
To be a single mormon, especially in Utah, you fall into a cast system that puts you right below the married people. In college wards, the married people have a ward of their own, they have housing of their own.

It reminds me of this one time in kindgerarden when we had to count to 100 and if we did we got to color a spaceship and put it on the wall and we also got a treat. (I know a treat was involved because I REALLY wanted to do it!) You got one chance to do it, and if you messed up then you had to wait a whole other week to try again. But once you did it, it was like a big happy celebration and you didnt have to do it anymore! Your spaceship went up on the wall and you were now an official counter! YAY!

Its like the married young people. They get to move into a sort of protective and happy place where it seems like everyone is doing their best to make sure that the young couple can make the transition as easily as possible, considering how "hard" it must be to think you know a person and then marry them and find out that they are someone completely different.

Meanwhile everyone else just kept struggling on with numbers...

Atleast, thats what others tell me. A fact of which I HATE! I absolutely HATE waisting time or spending money on something and then dont get what I thought I was getting. Thats why I do a LOT of research on thing on ebay and amazon! I dont want to be disappointed. But apparently in marriage, you're always going to find out that: OMG! this person DOES fart! They DO have smelly bowl movements! They DO listen to country when I only like hiphop (or whatever the kids are listening to these days.)

Anyways, my point is, I'm not really complaining about this in the way that I plan on changing it. I've realized that even though this false image we all have to presence eachother in the dating game sucks, its something that has to be done unless you want to stay single forever.

NE ways.... on to the next topic!

-Fat Girl-

I'm actually writing a fictional book for teenage kids about a fat girl and a ghost. My reason for this being, as i've posted in an earlier blog, i'm sick of the media portraying these beautiful women as unattractive! Its ridiculous! They wont even use ugly girls for the ugly roles anymore! Look at Catherin Hepburn in the old movie "The Rain Maker" she wasnt anything really pretty to look at (in my opinion) and she was supposed to play a character that was plain. But in the end it didnt matter because she realized she had to see herself as beautiful first!

Now, we've got movies with gorgeous women like Scarlet Johansen and Angelina Jolie feeling sorry for themselves because "Oh my gosh! No one will date me!" and then !SURPRISE! someone does in the end.

*Pshaw* (And yes I do use that word in real life)

It's all media hype. The only movies or books i've ever seen that portray fat girls always end with them ending up with the guy only because they have a great personality. And thats fine I guess. I guess what i'd like to see is a movie where the girls fat, and no one cares. She doesnt smell, she looks nice, she has values and all those things important to a typical movie lady, but she's just chunky around the mid section!

So thats why i'm writing this book about this girl whose overweight, and actually is on herself about it all the time, and her personality isnt even that great, but in the end the guy still likes her and thinks she's beautiful, and no HE’s not fat either.

THERES ANOTHER THING!

Why is it that people think "Hey, i'll set you up with my fat friend because their fat and so it will be ok!" ? OMG! Thats like saying, "Hey! I have a friend that has a green shirt on too! I'll set you guys up!"

One time I was going out with my family to the olive garden, and I saw this couple. Well actually they wernt a couple, judging by the awkwardness I could tell it was probably a set up date and it probably had gone very very wrong. They were both rather chunky people, and as they sat, saying nothing to eachother, eating their bread sticks, they looked everywhere but at eachother. She occasionally pulled out her cellphone to text someone, and the look on his face was saying, "I cant believe i'm going to be paying for this."

I swore to myself I would NEVER be in that situation, so I dont trust anyone to set me up on blind dates. But thats beside the point. Both of them had expected more, and yet obviously some mutual friend had been like, "OH! He's fat and shes fat! They'll be perfect for each other!"

Dont get me wrong though, i'm not opposed to dating a fat guy either. I'm just opposed to going on a date with someone because they're fat. And the same should go for every other fat girl out there, be her mormon or no.

Well, the police didnt come for me, so I guess i'm safe.

THE OMG! END

Apparently I’m a stalker. OH! And a skinny blond.

2009-02-21T23:16:00.000-08:00

So the other day I was driving the bus for my day care to pick up children from school. I thought everything was fine until I went around this long line of cars to get to a different parking lot. The bus is actually more like a large van, so I didn’t think that it was a big deal.
However…

When I got back to my work, my boss (who I sometimes love sometimes hate. Just depends on the day I guess) asked me how I thought my driving had been. Apparently the school has called, stating that the driver of our bus, a skinny blond girl, was driving aggressively and cutting the line.

Luckily I didn’t get in trouble, but I was pretty pissed off. Not so much that they called to tattle tail on me, even though I did find out later that going around the line had been illegal and I could have gotten into even more trouble if a cop had been there, but that people don’t really seem to see me for what I am.

I know what I am, but to other people I seem to either be some kind of quite shy fat girl, or a loud outgoing drama queen. At least, that’s what the girls/women in my life think.
I once asked my mother why guys don’t like me. She said it was because I was too loud. Another friend of mine said my personality is so loud. But if that’s the case then why do I get over looked so much?

*sigh* I’ll never understand it I guess.

I’d like to think of myself as one of those cushy mother-like sassy ladies you often see in Adam Sandler movies and chick flicks. The ones whose husbands are spoken of but are either dead or never around. I think that’s because the screen writers realized they don’t know what kind of men marry women like that. They do undoubtedly get married though because they somehow produce offspring, and then just kind of mother everyone like a hen.

NE ways.

They usually have all the funny lies and by the end of the movie everyone agrees that she’s the kind of lady you’d wish was around all the time for either a word of advice or maybe someone to tell you what you need to hear just before they give you a warm hug.

Unfortunately I think the only people who see me like that at all are some of the kids at my day care, and they don’t really count.

For some reason, and I’ll probably say this a lot, guys just seem to see me as one of those stalker crazy chicks that want to trap them into a relationship. I have no clue why and I’ll never figure it out.

Think im making this up? I have proof. One time in my freshman year of college I met this guy at a theater club and thought he was cute. I lived in a dorm at the time and told the girls there. We found out where he lived and then they insisted I go with them over there to invite him to a party we were having.

At his place, I just stood in the doorway, let my friends do everything. At the party, I sat by him to talk to him once before he got up and walked away. I didn’t do anything else. Never went to his place, didn’t talk to him, NOTHING.

I later learned through a friend of a friend that this guy had labeled me, “THE STALKER” dun dun dun!!!!

And this theme seems to reoccur over and over. I cant so much as smile at a guy without him freaking out and running away. I must send out a “Stalker” vibe I guess…

I wonder if this happens to anyone else?

Oh well. Maybe someday prince charming will come around and bother to take a second glance to really look at me and see that the rope I’m holding is only made of liquorish.

THE STALKERISH END!

Why i'm doing this and my opinion of the latest chick flick.

2009-02-21T19:26:00.000-08:00

Alright. So I decided if I was gonna go all the way with this blog thing then i'd better make it look good atleast, so about an hour and a half ago I got to work on trying to fancify (no its not a real word, its a MADE UP word. Deal with it.) my blog.

I gave up when I realized i'm not really gonna find an icon that works for what i'm talking about here, so I gave up. I'll draw something later.

SPEAKING OF LATER..

I'm a procrastinator, and i'll openly admit it. It takes me forever to get almost anything done. I think my boss at work is starting to loose her mind with the papers i'm supposed to make. Plays for the kids, music program, ect ect. *sigh*

I dont know where I was going with that. I guess it was a warning in its own way.

Why I decided to start this blog, let me tell you.

The movie (one of many) i've been looking forward to I finally saw today. You may know of it as the movie "He's just not that into you." I know it as the movie that stole the title "He's just not that into you."

I loved the book, I read it when I was twelve and it opened my mind to guys (not all the way but enough.) And after I saw the movie and found myself to be thoroughly disappointed with it, I went and bought it again to prove to myself that I did like it.

(I also bought a book called "How to make people fall in love with you in 90 seconds or less." but thats beside the point.)

NEways!

First of all, the girl who was supposed to be the one that considered herself "undatable" was totally cute! I hate how unrealistic movies can be! Its like they're trying to say, "Even the imperfect are perfect in our world of perfection!"

It's a LIE! And its mean! I'd like one time to see someone on the big screen that has a little bit of chubby on them, or maybe a big nose? I know these people exist! They're on What not to wear! Why cant they take those kind of actors and put them on the big screen?

Probably because no one would like it. Probably not even me.

For example:

My family and I went to Disney world last summer, and while there we saw a lot of their little "shows" most of which were quite painful. I know i'm not really but I consider myself a bit of an expert on live performance and i've got to say the stuff at Disneyland is really sad. Granted its geared to kids, but even so.

NEWAYS!

We saw a Beauty and the Beast show and managed to elbow into the crowd to get close up seats, and the Belle had a big nose! Like, with a bump on the bridge of it and everything. But the worst thing was the fact that she'd put brown smudges on either side of it in an attempt to make it look smaller.

I wanted to be like, "Oh sweetie no... no...."

So I guess i'm kind of as shallow as everyone else in the end. But yeah, that movie still didnt make me feel the way the book did. I'd like to think in the end, the reason im single is because its HIS fault!

He can chase me, and i'll just work on me and being cute. If anyone agrees let me know. If not, then I dont wanna know because I dont care. I'm not doing this to hear rubbish!

Ha ha! I said rubbish!

So yeah. Didnt like the movie, love the book and yes I do intend to try and make someone fall inlove with in 90 seconds and yes I DO have someone in mind.

I wont tell you who though. Not yet. Maybe next blog.

NNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEways.

The HYPOCRITICAL end!

In the Beginning... I guess :)

2009-02-21T18:44:00.000-08:00

As I sit hear, eating a chicken eggroll from panda express, I ponder on what drove me to this. I dont mean what drove me to eating the eggroll, I know that already. What I mean is I wonder what drove me to start a blog and think that its possible someone out there is interested in what a fat mormon girl would have to say.

FIRST OFF!

Dont get all defensive or offensive that I refer to myself as fat. It is a title I am choosing and not in a derogative way at all. Imp using it just as a term of phrase.

I did consider using the title "Single Mormon Girl" but there are a LOT of us. Single mormon women are a dime a dozen around here. A sad but true fact. Although, unlike most of the single mormon woman, I choose (or try to choose) not to sit on that fact. Actually I was just thinking today that I was glad to be single merely because its nice to be able to spend a Saturday like this one doing whatever I want whenever I want.

I often go see a movie at this cheap new release theater every Saturday. And dont ask me where it is cause I wont tell you. Lets just say its cheap because they play about a billion commercial and previews before it even starts.

NEways.

I went to see this movie and was like, "You know, if I had kids and a husband, I probably wouldnt be able to go see this at four in the afternoon on a saturday.... hm."

It was a nice thought. Kind of like a breath of fresh air. OH! And ALSO I dont have to worry about censoring stuff. I can say and watch and do whatever I want without being observed with little eyes and ears.

I work at a day care, and the other day they said that some kids this once time were reenacting a sex scene with some dolls because of a movie their parents were watching the night before. CREEPY! Who lets their kids see that kind of stuff?!

NE WAAAAAYS....>

I have a problem with getting off track sometimes. Sorry.
Where was I?

Yes. I am a fat mormon SINGLE girl, and I’m trying to just live my life that way. If you are interested in my life or what I have to say then feel free to read on. If not well, then dont. *shrugs* It sort of makes all the same to me.... I’m still gonna blog (probably) and eat chinese food.... (probably).

THE YUMMY END!

Confessions of a Phat Mormon Girl

Baby i'm back! And what we do for the golden arches!

Wow... okay.

Notice the word Diet has the word "Die" in it!

My Date *whoot whoot*

Ok! You've asked for it!

*sigh* Why do I do this?!

In my attempts to get a new life...

In my attempts to get a new life...

Frusteration is mine. DONT JUDGE ME!

People are messed up!!!!!

Duh Da BOyZ!

Babies, Flies, and Stilettos!

Almost at the 1/4th mark! Reflecting on my life.

My life is run by FOOD!

Culture Facts and Opinions while waiting for Cops

Apparently I’m a stalker. OH! And a skinny blond.

Why i'm doing this and my opinion of the latest chick flick.

In the Beginning... I guess :)

My Date whoot whoot

sigh Why do I do this?!