My Date *whoot whoot*

So i've been putting this blog off for two reasons. One because i've been busy and the other because i'm lazy. How that works, I dont know. But it's the truth.

Anyway.

This is a story about a little girl named Melissa, and a big heroic returned missionary named.... we'll call him Bob (that is not his real name.)

Once upon a time, lucky Melissa got set up on a date with *gasp* a returned missionary. "How lucky am I?!" She said to herself, "To be able to meet such a fine and rare man in Utah. I must be on my best behavior so that I will impress him and be his goddess for time and all eternity!"

But alas. It was not meant to be. For even on the first phone call his voice and sound clearly made it...er... clear that they were not well suited. She was a bold, confident, intelligent young woman with passion for art. He was interested in wingers. (yes. The restaurant.)

When Bob came to the door, he proved to be a strapping young man of about five feet with light blond hair, glazed blue eyes, and a pressured grin that came from the image of Melissa standing there in her buxom five foot four inches, two hundred seventy pounds.

Still, Melissa would make the best of the situation and be perfectly casual and nice. She smiled politely, waiting at every door for about five minutes so he could open it for her, and asked all the appropriate and polite questions. Aka, "Where did you serve your mission?" (That actually was the only question she needed to ask in the end because that was all Bob wanted to talk about even though he had been home for approx. seven months.)

When Melissa found out that Bob had no job, no money, and lived with his parents, and still wanted to get married right away and have ten kids, she was undaunted and remained poised and pleasant. She smiled and agreed that she too wanted to have kids someday and it seemed they had something in common. (She left out the fact that she tended ten kids at a time on a regular biases and that ten kids really wasnt practical or even as fun as someone would guess.)

They arrived at the movies, Ice age, about twenty minutes early and sat in the lobby, discussing cookies. "I like cookies, as you can tell..." Melissa said, to which the returned missionary gave an enthusiastic nod. A signal that she took to mean, he'd noticed her curvaceous figure. The subject dwindled down to all the usual topics of a first date that get discussed when there is nothing left to talk about. Family. Career. And Food.

Finally it was time for the movie. A delightful G rated film about fuzzy creatures and their problems in life. Bobs choice.

Afterwards, they went on to dinner. Melissa, having noticed him saying he didnt have much money, and also having noticed that when paying for the movie tickets earlier he'd opened his wallet and stared at it long enough for a moth to fly out of it, ordered the least expensive thing on the menu. As did he.

As Melissa picked up her fork to eat the returned missionary asked, "Shall we say a prayer?" Melissa used everything inside her to keep from rolling her eyes as she sat down her fork and knife and nodded, "okay."

Into dinner, the topic of conversation went on to further details of Missions in Brazil, while Melissa inwardly wondered why in the world a restaurant would serve their sticky wings with a side of celery. Honestly. How many people in the world like celery?!

Then. The questions happened.

It was like a lightning bolt out of no where! A great horrific strike that jolted Melissa to her core and made her stare as a deer in headlights.

"Soo... how did you gain your testimony?" Bob paused, leaning forward on the table between them. The light directly overhead.

"I er...." Melissa went on to weakly try to explain her testimony, having been caught off guard by the intimate and somewhat random question. The whole mood of the night was put off even more, and she felt somewhat hurt and betrayed that all her attempts to be civil ended up like this.

Later, as they drove home, Bob confessed that he'd never read weathering heights, hated romance, and *gasp* didnt see why in school Shakespeare had to be studied, Melissa sat in mostly silence, still wondering what she had done to deserve this cruel and unimaginable torture.

Bob missed the exit to her house, and on the road back, dropped another atomic bomb.

"So tell me a scripture that has influenced your life."

A long moment of silence ensued while Melissa felt out how exactly she should respond to that. Why was he doing this to her? What did he want her to say? Sure there were many other girls around who would have been able to throw down a reply that included something about Christ and being forgiven. But they were mostly girls just out of seminary, looking for their prince missionaries to sweep them off their feet.

Melissa wasnt that! She was a working woman, just trying to pay her rent and maybe have some fun once in awhile!

Finally. She turned slowly to look at the boy. Now seeing him as he really was and feeling completely disgusted.

"You know," She said slowly, "None come to mind."

When Bob dropped her off at her apartment that night. They were half way up the drive way when he said, "Well. Here's your goodbye hug."

"Ok see y..." Melissa said, returning the fast embrace, unable to finish the sentance before he was gone. Gone like a thief in the night.

Left there, alone, bewildered, and a little annoyed. Melissa stood inside the door of her apartment thinking the night over and realizing she would have almost rather been raped than ever go through that long and agonizing procedure.

Later, when her mother called and asked her how is had gone. Melissa couldnt come up with how to describe said date. So she said the first thing that came to mind. Her reply was simple and honest.

"He was toooo.... Mormon."

The End.


(Everything in that Story was completely True. ((Except for Melissa saying "How lucky am I" and blah blah blah. That was all me being sarcastic.))

My point of my story, Mormon Bachelor Pad, is that I do hang out around mormon guys looking to get married and have familys. This isnt the first time i've met guys like this. However, i'm not saying your like this because you're a self declared bachelor living in a pad. And a blog about a self declared bachelor living in a pad, is a whole other blog unto itself.

But I digress. My point is, Mormon guys are SCARY! Especially ones who are trying to be like Jesus, but end up just being like jack Ass's. I've met guys who are really Christ like. And they would never ask a girl what their favorite scripture is on a first date, or how they gained their testimony. And they wouldnt insult Shakespeare when they knew they were on a date with a theater major.

In any case, I hope you were being sarcastic in your comment because otherwise, about half of the single mormon female population in utah over the age of twenty are rolling their eyes at you and saying, "Thank you for stating the obvious."

Believe it or not, women dont want to just become your baby making machine. They have hopes and dreams of their own.

The TRUTHFUL End.